Breakthrough

Eight months after the diagnosis of depression, I started a relationship with Jesus Christ on Easter Sunday of 2004.  There was an alter call and I went forward.  It had been a long journey to get to that place and there were some amazing people involved in getting me there on that day.  But I continued to struggle with depression.

We were going to church regularly and I would reach out to people, mostly women, looking for the answers.  I was searching for something, for someone to be my friend, to pay attention to me, to really love me, in spite of my faults, in spite of my problems.  These women would pray for me and suggest verses from the Bible that spoke to them or that helped them through something similar.  But when they gave suggestions my mind would be spinning and I would be thinking to myself, “but it’s not that easy”. 

Deep down I felt that if the prayers of the amazing women I met were the answer, then what would make these women want to be with me?   Why would they stick around if I didn’t have problems for them to fix?  What would keep them interested in being there for me?  Why would they want to be my friend?  I craved their attention and their approval.  I craved them to notice me and wanted so much to be loved.   My way of keeping their attention was by needing to be fixed, but in the end that did not keep their attention either.  Over time, they would get tired of me still being stuck in the same place.  They would stop having suggestions and many of them did not have the time to try to help me when I wasn’t really helping myself. 

The truth was I didn’t want to be healed.  I wanted someone to love me so much that I would feel fulfilled.  I wanted someone to pay attention to me 24/7, be there for me no matter what.  I wanted someone that would continue knocking on my door day after day, year after year.  I was trying to get it from a person but there is no human being in this world that would satisfy my hunger for love.  There is no person that can fill that need to be noticed, to be unconditionally loved.  That empty place that longs so much for love - wonderful, unconditional, merciful love can only be filled by God.  We search for it through our relationships with other people but until I stopped searching for it from other people, God could not fill that void because I wouldn’t let Him.  I needed to open my heart to His love – His wonderful, merciful, graceful, giving love. 

And I am certainly not saying it is easy.  It has taken me at least ten years to get to this point - this light bulb moment.  To get to the point where I can see what I was searching for all those years.  To get to the point where if I am struggling with something and someone prays for me, I can feel His peace come over me and know that what they speak is the truth of God’s Word.  It has taken me years and I still struggle.  But I can say now that I know.  I know in my head and my heart that the only, the ONLY way to fill that void is through my relationship with Jesus Christ.  He alone can stop my searching for approval from people.  His love can prevent me from doing whatever it takes to win attention from others. 

As I write this, it is still hard for me to live it.  It is still a challenge not to care what others think or to put more importance on what others think than what I think.  I have been struggling with that for many, many years.  But the light bulb burned brightly at this recognition and I know that GOD LOVES ME with His truly amazing, forgiving, all encompassing love.   

In His Grace...